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Moses Lake, Washington
Moses Lake is a well known speed trap in Washington on Interstate 90 between Seattle and Coeur d'Alene. It is believed that there is a city near the speed trap, but that has never been independently verified. Moses Lake History General D.B. Hagadone and his ad staff first explored this region looking for his golf ball and small game. Later around the turn of the century publisher H.J. Beagley traded newspapers and ads for fresh horses and dry goods with Chief Moses and his men. Grant County’s main newspaper the Columbia Basin Herald was first discovered in 1941 in Grant County near the village of Nepel and what is now called Moses Lake. The Ephratian people of Ephrata were angered that stories about them weren't at the very front, so they prepared to attack Moses Lake in order to make it so. Moses Lake attacked first and won the war not only militarily, but by refusing to remove the bowling tournament coverage from the front page. CB Herald newspapers soon spread to Quincy and then to Othello, Moses Lake’s closest ally. Soon, Othello exported them to Mexico and Royal City. To stop the web-plague, newspapers everywhere in Washington went into local-news mode, except for the Wenatchee World. Today, the World runs national news and or stories attacking the river people of Crescent Bar Island on the front page, giving the illusion that it is real news. Modern CB Herald newspapers are notoriously cheap just 50 cents each. Clearly, the newspaper's staff are also all part of a countywide cabal to usurp all other newspapers in the area. Once they have accomplished their mission every newspaper in the county will likely have cartoon in it depicting prophet Muhammad driving a John Deere tractor with a bomb for a turban and maybe a paid ad on his t-shirt. Moses Lake Today A meth-riddled WalMartville with no discernable middle class, commonly referred to as MoHo (short for Moses' Hole) or just The Hole. Populated primarily with right-wing retirees, Mormon Birchers, Christo-Fascists, Constitutionalist tax evaders, Posse Comitatus and other "Freemen," along with the usual small-town smattering of drug addicts and high school dropouts. There is also a vibrant Latin-American community which, although at least third-generation American born, is still considered "illegal" by the whitebread townies. MoHo's very existence in the middle of a desolate high-latitude desert is enabled by Federal land reclamation projects, enormous farm subsidies, Socialist irrigation, electrification and internet service programs, State-subsidized schools, roads, law enforcement and other social services . . . and despite all that it's still a hard-scrabble life for the typical MoHo yokel, who proudly believes he's Done It All Himself and Don't Need No Gubmint Interference. As long as it's on some other taxpayer's dime, that is. What Makes Moses Lake a Crap Hole? When you reach the level of Captain in the MoHo PoPo your work week is reduced to 10 hours along with a HUGE pay increase (courtesy of us the "taxpayer"). This frees up important community service time for training Christian Militia, giving meth lab safety lectures, and keeping abreast of teen-age girls' skills behind the wheel. If you have school age children good luck with that. The school district is really only concerned with Tenure, Pensions, Salary, Summers Off, you know, the important stuff. And why bother, when the community regards education as nothing more than Satanic liberal propaganda? Mostly, its the fact that ML is located in place where God didn't intend for sane humans to live. Everything you see that isn't sagebrush or sand is artificial, fake, unnatural. Even the fish, game and wildlife have been imported. It's all a horrible, delusional joke -- which seems to attract a certain kind of person to move there, perhaps to retire, because property is so cheap, because...it's a crap hole. And the circle of non-life keeps unturning. Moses Lake Landmarks * I-90 Speed Trap - The patriots who work for the Washington State Patrol target hypocritical Seattle Liberals who dare to drive their imported hybrid cars 72 mph in a 70 zone. American pickup trucks and land yachts are allowed travel safely at 110. Any car sporting University of Washington stickers or license plate holders is impounded. * Chico's Pizza Parlor -- World famous for heart-stopping pizza believed by many to induce labor in overdue pregnancies. Possibly the only redeeming thing about Moses Lake, besides the premature puberty in females allegedly linked to Hanford fallout and/or estrogen-mimicking pesticides. * The Dunes -- A tourist attraction known statewide as an offroad dirt bike playfield and career training school for teenagers preparing for a career of early parenthood and welfare. * Third Avenue '''-- Famous for its line of decorative garbage cans, the street is sometimes referred to in tourist publications as "Receptacle Row." * '''Space Needle -- This former Seattle landmark was purchased by a local scion and hauled over the Cascades by wagon and mule train to a location on Yonezawa Boulevard near I-90. Some say it's in MoHo to taunt west-siders, others say its to trick Spokanites hoping to escape Eastern Washington into pulling off the freeway. The needle continues to generate royalty income through its use in the credits of the TV show "Frasier," although images now must be photoshopped to obscure an enormous blinking sign which reads, mysteriously, "PAMP." * 'Wheeler '-- Infamous shantytown east of MoHo known worldwide for its houses of ill repute. After Wheeler was rezoned as a vocational training facility, the city saw a huge statistical increase in the number of successful dancers, pageant queens, models, and pro athletes. Famous People From Moses Lake * *NFL defensive lineman Jason Buck was born in Moses Lake July 27, 1963 *Actor Matt Cedeño was born in Moses Lake November 14, 1973 *MLB player Ryan Doumit of the Pittsburgh Pirates was born and raised in Moses Lake. *Actor Clarence Gilyard Jr. was born there December 24, 1955 who played in Matlock and Walker, Texas Ranger. *Major-league pitcher Dave Heaverlo was born in Ellensburg, Washington but grew up in Moses Lake *Medal of Honor recipient in Vietnam Joe Hooper was from Moses Lake *Author Bruce Hutton (Mahermis Mathiglias 2007) was raised in Moses Lake. *Daredevil Evel Knievel lived in Moses Lake for some time *Inventor Dr. Spence Silver. 3M Scientist first developed Post-it Notes. Born 1941 in the restroom of Danny's tavern to travelers headed to San Antonio, Texas. *Sailor, Adventurer Reid Stowe was born January 7, 1952, on Larson Air Force Base near Moses Lake. *Model Martha Thomsen was born in Moses Lake January 25, 1957 *PGA golfer Kirk A. Triplett was born in Moses Lake March 29, 1962 *NBA player Bryan Warrick of the Washington Bullets, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, and the Indiana Pacers was born in Moses Lake. *"So You Think You Can Dance" star Caitlyn Lawson was raised in Moses Lake till her senior year in High School. *Justin M. Wilsey, infamous poet and rapper, was raised in Moses Lake and graduated MLHS in 2006. A Typical Day In Moses Lake? Rise and shine with quick burn on the bubble, and it's off to Sporties for a red beer while we check out the Fox News hottie telling us what to be afraid of today. Back in the pickup, it's time to mellow down for work with a couple tokes on the doob in the ashtray and here we are at the Noxious Chemical Plant, ready for another day of shoveling stinking white powder into sacks. The boss man says the stuff is just fertilizer, suppose it probably is because after we sack it up we haul it out by Wheeler and bury it. Lunchtime we crack open our Book of Mormon and take a reading from the pipe we've stashed inside. Bang out and bury another 30 bags and we're back in the pickup, another day another $40, let's pick up some Mexican for dinner. So we wait out back of The Ripple and nab us this hombre, duck-tape and toss him in the bed of the truck. Good for a few laughs and then it turns out he's our brother in law, so we just haul el hermano over The Fill out to Papa's, cut him loose and watch him scamper into the bar. Adios, amigo! Strange Laws in Moses Lake Illegal to decrease volume or change channel on any television showing Fox News in any public place. The Gorge Revenue Enhancement Ordinance states that anyone driving near MoHo on Gorge concert weekends without a Bush, Palin or Ron Paul bumper sticker shall be pulled over, cavity searched and fined for as many infractions as possible. Notable Events in Moses Lake Every late May during Memorial Day weekend the Spring Festival is celebrated. The festival includes carnivals & parades as well as many other family activities. Thousands of boaters come for the annual "Churning of the Algae." Grant County Fair & Rodeo mid August. Nighttime Lighted Ag parade first week of December Babe Ruth World Series The Famous Styx band played at the Ampitheatre in summer of 2010. the coats played